“But I didn’t say goodbye” is a challenging book chiefly because of its subject matter. Death by suicide is a perpetual challenge in society that provokes an abundance of emotions and opinions. It has and continues to be stigmatized and shrouded, even within contemporary society where topics previously considered taboo no longer carry that classification. Though death by suicide is an unrelenting issue and one that continues to puzzle and mystify professionals and laypeople, this book is the first I have encountered that focuses on the survivors and specifically from a child’s perspective.
‘Natural / traditional death’, by old age, illness, or accident is a normal part of life and everyone has been touched by it. At the very least, we all possess some degree of innate mental acuity to reconcile that process. To that end, there have been many tomes written about grief and the grieving process to assist with that reconciliation for adults and children. But I didn’t say goodbye posits that for the survivors of those that die by suicide, that process is different and should be recognized and treated as such.
This was eye-opening for me, as I had never considered that, believing that grief was grief. This book shed light on that process in an unpretentious, creative, and well researched format that broke down what would be the survivors’ ‘ideal’ reaction to a death by suicide.
Broken down into three parts, this book offers an easily digestible guide to those affected directly and indirectly by suicide. In part one, Rubel systematically explained the different ways, methods and processes that can be used to identify and reconcile the emotions of survivors of suicide. It also contrasted those against the more traditional grief models of response. This part was well researched and cited and would be an especially useful tool for those working in the mental health field. For others, it offered an awareness of the differences between grief responses.
Rubel intimated that the book was intended to be read from the front to the back in the introduction and though I understood her reasoning, it didn’t improve my reading experience. The main challenge I faced while reading part one was the references made to ‘the story’ as cited examples. ‘The story’ comprised part two of the book and without reading it, the examples cited in part one were arbitrary. I do acknowledge that by referencing the story while explaining the methods provided clinicians or mental health professionals beacons to identify while reading ‘the story’. However, for those not in the field, survivors (directly and indirectly), reading the story first would personify and reinforce an understanding to the explanations given in part one.
Part two was a creative way of presenting a survivor’s response to a death by suicide. With ‘the story’ and through the family and the main narrator, 11-year-old Alex, the reader is given insight to the emotions and reactions of suicide survivors’ grief. We are introduced to people of various ages and genders and their responses to the death by suicide of Bill (Alex’s dad). Responses from brothers, aunt, wife, mother, and father, as well as Alex and his younger sister are detailed and offer insight to the various methods of grief explored in part one.
This story was touching but also very didactic. The main purpose of the story was to creatively explain and be an example of the methods of survivor bereavement and that was evident. There was more telling and explaining of terms and less showing which carried the potential to take the reader out of the story. At times the dialogue was not as relatable or organic but rather ‘idealized’.
I appreciated the alternate survivor’s responses presented through Alex’s friends Brian and Lori. More elaboration of these characters could have provided a foil to Alex and his family and offered some contrast. Alex’s family represented a textbook example of a positive / progressive survivors of death by suicide bereavement and having opposing examples would have presented a more complete picture and reinforced that grief is subjective and personal. That said, I recognize the thesis and purpose of the story to be used as an example of what to aim for in helping to reconcile the death by suicide and the survivors.
This is the third edition of the book, and I absolutely applaud the inclusion of the ten years later reflections by Alex at the end of each chapter. Having these reflections afforded the reader some closure to Alex and his family. It also emphasized that grief is enduring though ever-changing. The follow-up questions at the end of each chapter provided a means to provoke deeper understanding, introspection, and reflection for the reader.
The final part of the book was Appendices which introduced the reader to the ‘palette of grief’. This creative and thoughtful technique enables the reader to confront and reconcile their grief in a non-verbal manner which relies more on emotion and less on thought. This technique offered the perfect contrast to the story which relied heavily on saying the ‘right’ words to explain certain methods and responses and terms. The inclusion of the appendices provided a well thought out approach for clinicians and mental health providers to be of better service to survivors, while giving survivors another means of expressing themselves.
But I didn’t say goodbye is a specific book for a specific audience. Its format establishes that the primary audience is the clinician, therapist, or mental health provider. That said, this book will provide irrefutable insight and hope to survivors through the ‘story’ and the ‘palette of grief’. Though the author advises reading the book from front to back, I would take that advice as a ‘suggestion’ and not a ‘rule’ based on where you fall in the survivor camp. Since the pandemic, death by suicide seems to be more prevalent in our society, particularly in teens and young people. This book is an especially timely aide as more and more lives are affected by death by suicide, and it is inevitable that sooner or later we will all become survivors.
Thoughtful! Creative! Timely!
Pros:
- Well Researched and cited
- Synopsis of various grief models were insightful
- “The Palette of Grief” – useful, thoughtful technique
- Useful tool for grief counsellors, mental health professionals and those affected by suicide
- The ‘ten years later’ reflection and follow-up questions at the end of each chapter
- Inclusion of Appendices to offer further guidance
Cons:
- The layout – making references to the characters in the story before the reader gets to the story was frustrating.
- Story focused on an ‘ideal’ reaction to suicide and neglected to offer much contrast which reflected a biased perspective
- The ‘story’ was more didactic (more tell and less show)
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